I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
this is literally a CIA plant
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.