I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
That’s what I call a flat tire
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰