I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that