I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
You Might Also Like
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Florida man
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills