I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
*me flirting
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.