I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Previously On Persistence 😎
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
584.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.