Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Education is vital
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.