I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Namaste
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.