I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew