I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
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[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.