@robyn_vo

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

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@Oobrey

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

@TheBoghdady

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

@sunyahu3

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@weinerdog4life

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@dave_cactus

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

@torrami

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”