I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.


“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?


I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.


Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.


Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.


*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”