I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.


It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me




Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish


I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.


“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review


[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either


How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die


Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.


You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.