Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

this country is so goddamn polarized

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.