“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
We’ve all been there…
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power