I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.