I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!