I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.