I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
“NO NOT FISH
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.