I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I had to Stop for this
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*