I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Sounds like a bargain
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.