I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
You Might Also Like
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
😲 WTF? 😆
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.