I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent