I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
You Might Also Like
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button