I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
This hospital has everything
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish