I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??