I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.