I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
You Might Also Like
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Imma just leave this here…………
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.