I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
You Might Also Like
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.