i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.