I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*