I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.