I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..