I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
January has been Januweary
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Hey i am sexy to you now
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.