I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.