I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
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Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.