I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
peeping toms
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice