I’m calling the cops.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
When I said I liked it rough.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
drew a comic about my origin story
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
This is my cat’s medicine.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.