“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.