I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.