i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels