I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
You Might Also Like
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.