I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”