I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
when you are just born a rebel
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Thursday Thought.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?