“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
You Might Also Like
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Vodka burrito was a success
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature