I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.