I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*