I’m confused about plants
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
S/o to @funTweeters .
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday