I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.