I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats