I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*