I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.