Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Liquor Store Parking

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

Jokes on them. I took 10.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere