I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.