I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

You Might Also Like


If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife


Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.


If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.


Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute


I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.