@OneyeBogey

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

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@kuusela34

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@StorybookBlonde

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

@ceejoyner

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.