I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The two types of wives
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Natural selection at its finest
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*