I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Got him!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.