I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids